Completely Present

Posted on August 16, 2026 by levasseurjohn

September Issue of AA Grapevine Magazine

By: John L  – Editor of Addictions News.—Hernando, Florida

Gone are the days of being unable to remember hours or entire days. These were times during which I could have committed any number of embarrassing or illegal acts without remembering a second of it.

Had I said something that I needed to apologize for? Did I need to inspect my car for new dents, or God forbid, blood? Could I even find my car?

Just about every time I regained consciousness after a blackout, the thought would come to mind: I will never drink like that again. But thinking didn’t mean I could keep myself from blacking out again in a few days or even on the same day. During some of my worst blackouts, I would open my blurry eyes with some frightening stranger by my side. Did they have a name? What had happened? Then, to my surprise, they’d roll over and wonder who I was! Today, if I were told that I would lose recall of large blocks of time and that I’d be unable to know what I had done or said, I’d say there’s no way I could engage in such activity.

Being a senior citizen, I now often forget what I did 10 minutes ago or where I last saw my coffee cup. But I always know what’s happening in the present moment. If I do have trouble remembering what happened on a certain day, I’m at least reasonably sure that I didn’t hurt anyone or do something illegal.

For me, blackouts are a thing of the past, but I know they will come flooding back if I ever drink again. We are taught in AA to “think the drink through.” Another saying I like is, “It’s not the caboose that kills you.” I know that if I never pick up that first drink, for any reason, I won’t have to experience a blackout ever again.

I made a solemn promise many years ago to not drink, no matter what. On more than one occasion, I’ve come close to breaking that promise, but I made a phone call instead and talked with a fellow AA member about what I was feeling. We call it sharing our problem. The idea of a drink fades back to where it belongs when we share about it. For me, the secret to overcoming my harmful thoughts is to shine a light on them.

For now, I see no purpose in dredging up the past. I’ve already asked for God’s forgiveness and applied his mercy to all areas of my life. I found through experience that self-forgiveness is crucial in finding a peaceful life. If I’m willing to do the work, I will reap the benefits. The only thing I know for sure is how grateful I am for blackouts being a thing of the past for me. And with God’s help, my past will never become my future.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Can I Love My Unlovable Self?

Posted on August 9, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Once again, I remind the reader that what I say is my own opinion and experience over the past 40 years in recovery. I’ve diligently followed many teachers and speakers like Wayne Dyer, whom I admire greatly. What I am about to write stems from the many master teachers I’ve used to repair my own dysfunctions. If you have doubts about my experiences, please take the time to find your own Road to Recovery, but by all means start the process with the knowledge that others have been down the road you may be on and have transformed their lives by implementing the knowledge the Universe has laid at their feet.

Today I will cover how love can only be given if you have it to give.

Growing up in a home where the word “love” was used frequently without feelings attached. When I researched my parents’ history, they came from households where the model was that kids should be seen and not heard. They could not express who they were, or if they did, punishment followed. I am sure they heard the word love without expression. This groomed my personality with very low self-esteem, and I frequently put myself down. I was told, “Good job, we didn’t think you could do it?” They were teaching me what they had been taught and didn’t realize how they could have done much better.

As I grew in years, the damaged me came along for the ride, only in an older version. I told my wife and children how I loved them. I knew when I was saying it, there was no emotion attached, just words. My wife at the time grew up in her own alcoholic household and passed on to her what her parents were taught. Unfortunately, her parents were of the same school of thought as my parents.

Moving ahead twenty-five years, I was surviving inside by wearing many masks. On the outside, I was educated, a great worker, and had many surface friends, most of whom put on their own masks. The day came when my heavy drinking caught up with me, and I reached a bottom, within myself, that I never want to return to. I reached a new level of misery, along with jail time for an assault with a deadly weapon charge. This was when the repair process began with the guidance of AA and the 12-Step Program it offered. It came very slowly at first. In fact, I was told if I were going any slower, I would be going backwards.

After ten years sober, I figured out how my insides were still as damaged as they were when I first became sober. It was then that I sought professional help. The first suggested idea was that I stop putting myself down. I started looking in my bathroom mirror and saying how I was a good person, and how I liked myself. The word love, with meaning, would not cross my lips for the next three years. Slowly, but surely, my entire emotional world started to change. By 20 years sober and connected with feelings, I began to feel love filling my heart. I loved who I had become, and feelings were flooding in. Some days the feelings were more than I wanted, but I let the process happen and stopped stuffing my emotions.

At that time, when I said to my children how I loved them, I could feel something different. They weren’t empty words anymore, and I could feel the emotion when they said the word to me. I realized then that I could not give away what I didn’t have, and they could not feel my love until they were ready and open to it. Any other person in my life had to be ready and have worked on their own inner self before that feeling could be reciprocated.

Today, thanks to recovery programs like AA, CODA, ACOA, and others, along with six years of professional guidance, my life is totally different from the past. I am so grateful to those who were along my recovery road, helping me climb the ladder of emotional healing at the right time. I can honestly say that following the 12 steps the way they are presented, no matter which program, has changed my inner frown to a constant smile of happiness. I’ve picked up a little saying which has aided me in my transformation from a moth to a butterfly. It goes like this:

“Happiness is not something I find; it’s something I create.”

If you are not happy, start your own creating process today!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

On the way to the wedding – John L, Hernando FL

Posted on August 4, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Published in Grapevine, November 2023

That morning I arose early and immediately had the obsession for a drink. I’d been consuming a quart of vodka a day for the previous year, so the slide was already greased. But I had to get to a wedding. It was also the day of my last drunk.

I knew I would never leave the house once I started drinking. Instead, I put the first drink off, knowing it was that one that got me drunk every time. After dressing, I headed out the door. I was even wearing a tie. The wedding was 15 miles away. 

Arriving at the church with time to spare, I glanced in the mirror for one last look and there on my white shirt collar was a huge drop of blood. The red dot was only the size of a pea, but to me it seemed like it could have been the size of a basketball. There was time to drive home, change the shirt and be back for the wedding.

On the way home, I passed a liquor store and a voice in my head said, “Just a small bottle of wine. That won’t hurt anything.” I purchased a large bottle, as it was cheaper, and drank it down on the trip home. After changing my shirt I was back on the road, not planning on any stops, but I’d forgotten the first drink was the one that did the job. I stopped once more, picked up bottle number two and off to the wedding I went.

After finding a parking spot at the church, I realized the wedding had already started and I was too late. So instead of going in, I went to the reception hall after picking up a third bottle along the way. I finished that bottle and realized it was too early for the reception, so off I went to the liquor store to purchase bottle number four. At the reception hall, people started filing in. I realized I was too drunk to go inside, so I went home.

The story doesn’t stop there. Once home, I undressed and flopped on the couch for a quick nap. Waking a few hours later, my mouth was dry and I didn’t feel all that great. There in the kitchen was my answer to the hangover—a bottle of vodka. After a few drinks, I headed to the VFW across the street. This was a decision I would regret for a long time.

After drinking all evening there with my brother, he finally left and I stayed around to hear a country band. Somewhere around 11:00 p.m., I got into a shoving match with a fellow much larger than me, so I pulled the gun that I always carried and threatened him and his family. Thanks to the grace of God the gun didn’t go off. I was taken outside and left unconscious in the parking lot.

The next morning my wake-up call was delivered by the local police at my door and off to jail I went. The charge was assault with a deadly weapon and false public alarm. It seems I had called 911 and reported a bomb in the VFW.

A lawyer looked over my case and said the only chance I had of not doing time was to get sober and attend AA meetings, which I did. On the day of my hearing, I had been sober and attending meetings for two months. Miraculously, the judge was in a good mood that day and the VFW dropped the gun charges. I was convicted of false public alarm and sentenced to one year, suspended with the stipulation that I remain sober and attend AA meetings. After a year, the conditional discharge removed everything from my record. Another miracle.

So you never know once you pick up the first drink where the road is going to lead. My AA road to freedom has left me with an amazingly beautiful life, as long as I remember that it all begins with not taking that first drink—no matter what!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Do you own any cows?

Posted on July 24, 2026 by levasseurjohn
Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) was a global spiritual leader, Zen master, and peace activist, known for his bestselling writings on mindfulness and engaged Buddhism. Nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King Jr., he pioneered mindfulness in the West. Thich Nhat Hanh often shared a famous Buddhist parable about the Buddha and a farmer who lost his cows. This story serves as a profound teaching on letting go of attachments to things we falsely believe are essential for our happiness.  

The Story:
One day, after the Buddha and his monks finished eating lunch, an agitated farmer passed by in a state of utter despair. He asked the Buddha and the monks if they had seen his twelve cows.The farmer lamented that all twelve cows had run away that morning, and to make matters worse, insects had just eaten his entire sesame seed crop. Feeling that he couldn’t survive such a tragedy, he hurried off in the direction he thought the cows went. Watching the man leave, the Buddha turned to his disciples and smiled warmly, saying: “My dear friends, do you know that you are the happiest people on Earth? You do not have any cows to lose.” 

The Lesson: “Releasing Your Cows
The Buddha used the farmer’s misfortune to teach his monks about the heavy burden of attachment. While the monks had renounced material possessions and lived simply with just three robes and a bowl, everyone is susceptible to holding onto their own “cows”. Do I have any Cows that I am holding onto? Am I possessing my things, or are my things possessing me? 
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

10 smart ways to deal with rude people

Posted on July 20, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Source: Sophie Lizard

1. Remember, sometimes the rude person is you.

Maybe not today, but there’ve been times when you were rude. And you’re not a bad person. So next time somebody’s rude to you, remember that they’re human, just like you, and that rudeness alone doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.

2. Don’t take it personally (even if it’s personal).

When someone’s rude—especially if they’re making personal comments about you—it’s easy to get upset. But you have a choice about how you react. Take the power out of their rudeness by choosing to treat it as their problem, not your problem.

3. Find out why

People have their own reasons for being rude. Perhaps they’ve had a bad day, or they’re in a hurry and think there isn’t time for manners. Perhaps they don’t even realize how rude they’ve been. You won’t know until you ask! Stay calm and simply say, “I think that’s pretty rude. Why are you treating me like this?” The answer may surprise you.

4. Be objective and analyze the rudeness.

So somebody was rude to you. What did they do or say? Was there any sense in it? If you view the situation objectively, you’ll realize that most rudeness is senseless, so you can cheerfully ignore it. On the rare occasions when there’s logic behind the rude behavior, staying objective lets you address the root of the problem instead of the rudeness concealing it.

5. Don’t join the drama club.

Do you feel like yelling at the rude people around you? Don’t. Joining in the drama will only escalate the situation. Whether you’re dealing with a drama queen who’s doing it on purpose or an inconsiderate oaf whose rudeness is unintentional, keep your dignity intact by not letting rude behavior provoke you into a tantrum of your own.

6. Let it drop and walk away.

Rudeness is hurtful, but removing yourself from the situation is the fastest and surest way to avoid more rude behavior from the same person. Walk away, even if they’re still talking to you! If they’re a stranger, you’ll never have to deal with them again. If they’re a friend or colleague, they’ll soon learn that being rude to you gets them exactly nowhere (and maybe that will prompt them to be nicer next time).

7. Consider offering help.

Some rudeness is simply a matter of bad manners. But often, a person who’s rude to you does so because they feel frustrated about something—and if it’s within your power to resolve their frustration, you may see them switch from rudeness to gratitude in seconds. A word of warning, though: only offer help if you can provide it immediately, as an offer of help “later on” can add to their feelings of frustration.

8. Understand rudeness as a habit.

Some people are rude simply because they’re always rude. Once rudeness becomes a habit, it can be difficult to shake off, even if they truly want to behave better. Habitual rudeness should never be taken personally; it’s just a pattern that’s hard to break. Which brings us to the next point—

9. Don’t try to force a change.

You can’t make someone be polite if they want to be rude. In fact, trying to force a change in their behavior will often make them behave worse instead of better. Sometimes your best option is to accept that their rudeness is not your fault and let them find their own solutions.

10. Fight rudeness with kindness.

Don’t let rudeness make you respond with more of the same. The best way to defuse rude behavior is to stay friendly and helpful, giving the other person a chance to calm down and adjust their behavior to match yours.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Religion and Spirituality

Posted on July 3, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Let’s celebrate the 4th of July by respecting everyone’s rights.

Religion is an institutional framework of organized beliefs, dogmas, and shared rituals directed by a community or higher authority. Spirituality is an individualized, subjective quest for meaning, peace, and connection to something greater, often existing independently of established traditions or religious structures.

While religion provides a structured roadmap to the sacred, spirituality is a personal exploration that emphasizes the interior life and direct, lived experiences.

Key Differences, Structure & Context:

· Religion is typically communal, bounded by historical texts, codes of conduct, and formal institutions (e.g., attending a church or temple).

· Spirituality is deeply personal and flexible, allowing individuals to define their own path.

Belief vs. Seeking:

Religion often asks adherents to accept specific dogmas and articles of faith.

Spirituality encourages seeking, valuing personal inquiry, meditation, or connection with nature over dictated answers.

The “Spiritual but not Religious” (SBNR) Movement:

This modern self-identification highlights a growing cultural shift in which people seek a connection with the divine or the universe while rejecting the rigid formalities and moral doctrines of organized religion.

The Overlap:

The two concepts are not mutually exclusive. Many people consider themselves both spiritual and religious—using the community and rituals of their faith to deepen their personal relationship with the sacred.

There are many more differences between the two, but which one you choose or reject is an individual preference. Remember one thing. Whichever side of the fence you select, you have the right to change your preference any time you wish.

Within structured recovery programs, the use of religious dogma sometimes exceeds its intended use. One of the sayings in AA is to, “Take what you want and leave the rest.” If you strongly object to a prayer at the end of the meeting, just leave the room. You can also stand and respect the rest while not participating in the words. Don’t let others’ beliefs chase you out of the lifesaving help you may need.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Why do I fear doing something new for the first time?

Posted on June 30, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Fear of trying something new stems from your brain’s biological defense mechanism. Unfamiliar situations create uncertainty, triggering anticipatory anxiety and the fear of losing control. Your mind naturally associates the “unknown” with potential danger, prioritizing safety over the growth that comes with new experiences. The psychological and practical factors that drive this feeling include:

Fear of the Unknown:

Because you don’t know what to expect, your mind can project negative or catastrophic outcomes.

Fear of Judgment & Perfectionism:

A desire to appear competent can lead you to worry about what others might think if you make a mistake. Fear of Failure: The worry that your invested time or energy will not yield the desired result, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

Navigating this discomfort becomes easier when you understand the root of the anxiety. Could you share what specific activity you are thinking of trying, or what usually happens when you think about taking that first step? This will help us figure out a tailored approach to managing the nerves.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

“Stay in the solution!”

Posted on June 17, 2026 by levasseurjohn

This little idea is so powerful, and as far as I am concerned, the key to staying sober while healing toward a better way of life. I attended my first meeting at the Derry Friendship Center on August 24th of 1986. In the early days, I was looking for any positive words that I could hold on to. Over the door of the sober club was a sign that was once white before the smoking meetings turned it yellow. The color didn’t matter. It was the words, “Don’t drink, go to meetings, ask for help, and let it happen.” That was my staying in the solution. I looked at that sign during the meetings. I know, somehow, if I just didn’t drink, my life would get better. At the time, I was facing serious gun charges and could spend the next 3 years behind bars. What didn’t help was that I had no excuse. I was guilty. At the time, there wasn’t a judge on earth who would accept how I was in a blackout and hardly remembered pointing the gun at a VFW dance and threatening a guy and his family, just because they were speaking Spanish. I felt that everyone in the VFW should only speak English.

It took two months for my trial date to arrive. By then, I was attending meetings 7 days a week, and 5 a day on weekends. My lawyer negotiated a one-year suspended sentence with the prosecutor and even secured a conditional discharge. The Judge agreed and told me that if I came before him in the next year for anything, I was going away. I continued with AA meetings while letting it happen.

Today, after almost 40 years sober, that saying is still the most important for me. Let me share one example from the mid-nineties. I owned a self-help book store in North Hampton, Massachusetts. I was a member of a sober motorcycle club with an old Honda Chopper. It had only a 2-gallon tank, so I had to fill it often. One night, I rode the 40 miles to the New York border for a monthly meeting. That night, I forgot to top off the tank. On the way home, the bike ran out of gas. That area was very rural. I drove into this little village with a gas station. Unfortunately, it was closed, and the village looked empty. I coasted up to the pump while thinking,  “Ok God, now is a time for me to stay positive and in the solution.” A young boy, around 12, was sitting on a park bench, fifty feet away. He walked over and asked if I had broken down. I said,  “No, just out of gas.” He replied in what I thought was a sarcastic tone. “You picked a good place to run out of gas, at a gas pump.” I could have gotten angry, but I remained calm. Maybe this was my angle. I responded, “Yeah, but the station is closed if you hadn’t noticed.” His reply brought me right back to reality with the answer I’d somehow been hoping for. “This is my father’s station, and I have the key.” Within minutes, I was on my way with a full tank and wasn’t even charged. It showed me once again that if I look for a solution, miracles will happen.

For many years now, I have been using those simple words over and over. Each time, I am not disappointed when the solution shows itself. It may not be the way I planned or hoped for, but it’s always a solution, and, even better, most of the time.

As I said, this has worked for me for 40 years. Give it a try and wait for yourself; the solution may present itself, right out of the blue, or from that invisible power I call God, Higher Power, or The Universe.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Happiness

Posted on June 6, 2026 by levasseurjohn

Happiness is not something I FIND, it’s something I CREATE.

If I can keep that little saying, front and center, my day will be so much better than when I don’t. It reminds me that I am the only one who can direct the outcome of each day, while staying in the present moment. It’s not about situations or what others think; it’s about who’s driving my bus. It’s ME and my attitudes. This way of life was spelled out by Doctor Paul in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939. The writing on page 517 of that book goes something like this.

And acceptance is the answer to ​ all ​ my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some face of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate less on what needs to be changed in the world and more on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

The wisdom goes on for a few more paragraphs. Do yourself a favor: find a Big Book and read it. Not only read it, ‘Live it.’

While reading Doctor Paul’s elegant words, I see how the original saying goes: I can create my happiness, or I can create misery in its place. The keyword is “I.” It is really all about ME and my attitudes. The first step in making any change is to recognize that what I am doing is not working, and that only I can take the driver’s seat and make the necessary changes that will bring happiness into my life, no matter where I am right now.

Does this sound too easy? Well, it is. It does take work and follow-through, however. I was always good at starting things, but ran out of gas way too soon. Way before the happiness set in.

I will finish with a quote from Wayne Dyer. “Change your thoughts, change your life,” and one from me. “You are who you think you are.” At least I think it’s one of mine. Whatever you decide to do, give it your all and wait for the miracle to happen.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Whose Bars are They?

Posted on May 24, 2026 by levasseurjohn

I have always strived to be Happy, Joyous, and Free. Recently, the Happy has been put on the shelf, replaced by a major decision and, subsequently, financial problems. I hadn’t noticed it at first, but I was putting people, places, and things first, and guess where happiness went, out the window.

This morning, the Daily Reflections topic was happiness in sobriety. I realized how I wasn’t at all happy. You can believe this or not, but when I talk to my Higher Power, or The Universe, I get answers. I mean real answers if I take the time to listen. It is so true now, the Bible talks about it, “The still small voice.” It’s not the EGO that definitely yells to get my attention. Most of what the EGO is BS and will take me deeper into despair. On this day, as the meeting started, I was quiet and listening. The voice said, “You are creating the bars around you.” Now, that got my attention. I asked, “How am I doing that?” What came next, I have known for years, but wasn’t putting the idea together as it pertains to me. “Your bars are your expectations.” Bingo… That is what was making me miserable. I was projecting how things were going to go, and when they weren’t, I wasn’t happy. Everything was involved with my going to Missouri to stay with my daughter for the summer. At the end of the last supper, I purchased an RV with money I didn’t have. The RV was full of food, art supplies, gas, and propane. The day before leaving, another expectation was shattered.

All of a sudden, a large lump rose on the back of my favorite cat. They were staying at the house with a neighbor looking after them. I am not a doctor, so what the lump was had to be resolved. I made the call, and the cat was seen. By then, the lump drained. The Vet bill dropped from $800 to half that because she didn’t need an operation. That got me thinking about whether I was making the right decision.

After listing the pros and cons of going away, I concluded that the decision was up to me. Even if I told all my friends I was going, this decision was still mine. Well, you guessed it, I changed my mind. Even if I had the RV and everything ready, I could stay home if that is what I wanted. I realized how much I love where I am now. The decision wasn’t a mistake, as I have learned so much about myself. The number one lesson is that I am responsible for my happiness and only I can give it to myself. The Course in Miracles taught me that, “Life is a series of lessons. I don’t get to choose the lesson, but I do get to decide how I react to it.” This is just another lesson.

Not a week later, everyone is happy that I am staying. I can now start unwinding the financial debt incurred by the lesson. Everything is possible as long as I STAY IN THE SOLUTION. Working to fill in the hole feels good once again, and when I look around, the bars are gone. I wonder why I didn’t see this months ago; I wasn’t looking or asking that still, small voice. I am sure the lessons would be different, but the outcome would be the same. I am Happy, Joyous, and Free, once again.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment